dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
