yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
