Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
