This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Randomize
