So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
