Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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