Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
