I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
