My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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