it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
