i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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