The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
