Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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