I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
