My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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