I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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