i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
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