i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
