the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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