I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
