Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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