I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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