if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
