if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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