theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
