I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
