Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
