I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
