You insisted on take shots off of plates.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
