i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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