dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
