Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
