My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
