my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
