K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
