He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
