good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
