So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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