Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
