Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
