OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
