I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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