Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
