Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
