Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
