just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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