my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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