I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
