we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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