She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
