I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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