respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
