I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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